Taking Care of DIAO CHAN for Dummies
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: A manual for the DIAO CHAN unit.


**Introduction**

 **I saw you. You bought this with an amine figurine of a girl in a Playboy bunny outfit along with a giant body pillow of Wang Yuanji. I see you there. I know your type. You're the type of guy we love to extract cash from without guilt hovering over our heads. Well, congrats, my friend. We hooked another one of your kind. Have a nice day.**

 **Put us in your circle on Google Plus and like us on Instagram at #Sexy_Asians**

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 **Comes with...**

 **Seven (7) DW8 strands of cloth that is supposedly a "dress"**

 **One (1) DW7 "dress" with most parts shaved off**

 **One (1) DW6 half-assed-crop-top with the rest of the "dress" at her waist**

 **One (1) DW5 nightgown-esque dress**

 **One (1) DW4 Chinese dress**

 **One (1) DW3 Chinese dress (As you go back in time, she ACCUMULATES cloth.)**

 **One (1) nightgown**

 **Five (5) sets of fancy complex jewelry that only the DIAO CHAN unit can put on right**

 **Two (2) pairs of shoes**

 **Two (2) pairs of high heels**

 **One (1) pair of giant baby rattles**

 **One (1) bladed whip**

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 **Name: Diao Chan**

 **Gender: Female (Yes, you heard right. She's a girl in the middle of the sausage fest we call Dynasty Warriors.)**

 **Other names: Sexy Lady, Diao-chan, That Thing On Lu Bu's Back, Original Waifu, Girl That Has Them Moves, Mortal Chang'e, Fake Lady From the Book**

 **Famous for: Creating a deadly love triangle, having the strongest vagina in the universe**

 **Spouse: (Not a spouse, lover) Lu Bu**

 **Children: No**

 **Default Age: 19**

 **Appearance: Slim lady that fits within Ancient Chinese standards of beauty**

 **Striking Features: These days, her scraps of cloth Koei/Tecmo calls a dress**

 **Quirks: She's fairly normal, not gonna lie. As long you don't look like the man she was trying to get killed (DONG ZHUO), you should get no problems from her.**

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 **Instructions**

 **Do not treat the box like if there were a male unit in it. You have to actually try ensuring it doesn't bounce around and giving the DIAO CHAN unit a concussion. Now once you open up the box, make sure you prove to her that you are not a threat. After you get all of that basic intro stuff aside, you're good to go. Have some self-restraint and do not get a boner.**

 **Care**

 **She's a lady, so do not even think about trying to clean her unless you two have already established a romantic relationship. If you can provide her with the nice shampoo and body wash, that'll be great. She eats, believe it or not, but she's not on a diet, so don't feed her junk. Exercise is not necessary as she dances already. You can join in if you want her to like you/get all the free Zumba classes you want. You don't even have to be good at it. Just try to seem interested.**

 **How to keep your unit happy**

 **DIAO CHAN is a woman from a troubled time, but she has a spirit that cannot be broken. She knows the world is a horrible place, but she makes the most of the little good things in there. Let's hope you are that little good thing. As long you can show her a good time without being a total douche, she will be your loyal companion to days to come.**

 **This unit will leave or disobey if...**

 **Talk shit about LU BU**

 **Talk shit about her *adopted* daddy**

 **She sees that you are clearly being a pig**

 **You have the LU BU unit already**

 **Commit heinous crimes to innocents**

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 **Skills**

 **-Chinese fluency**

 **DUH.**

 **-Dancer**

 **She is known for her skills in dancing. Video tape her and try to get her YouTube famous and watch the revenue flow in.**

 **-Dancer (The XXX kind)**

 **Alright, I'm not gonna lie. She could do THAT kind of dancing, but for you privately. DO NOT throw dollar bills at her during this or else you might be just get slapped. That's if you taught her what that means.**

 **-Seduction**

 **As long as your target is a teenage boy or a man wanting to score, this will always work. The power of boners can get you access to some things you can't even imagine you could as a normal person. This MAY work with females. Just do some little on-site research to see if DIAO CHAN's charm has a chance.**

 **-Cooking**

 **Look, it's not sexist. She can whip up a mean stew.**

 **Romancing**

 **Males: Get your dating sim skills ready from the days you were a lonely loser that played dating sims. Except combine that with treating her like a human being and not a girl on a screen.**

 **Females: Um... Sure? I'm not saying she's against it, but... she's won't be really into it unless you've really peaked her interest or are just that damn beautiful.**

 **Modes**

 **Normal**

 **Sexy (For your pleasure.) *Only at max affection***

 **Scheming *Only at low affection***

 **See Also:**

 **LU BU: Lover. DIAO CHAN is the only character that can pursue LU BU without repercussions.**

 **LU LINGQI: Daughter of LU BU. Does not consider DIAO CHAN to be her mother.**

 **ZHANG LIAO: Officer that used to work for LU BU. I'm just listing Lu faction people here.**

 **FAQ'S**

 _ **She's already scheming against me! What do I do?!**_

 **I assume you resemble Dong Zhuo then. Welp, nothing you can do now. She's already cooking you up some poisoned food or just planning to leave you.**

 _ **How do I dance without looking like an idiot?**_

 **Don't be an idiot then.**

 _ **Can I get Wang Yi as a waifu from you guys?  
**_

 **Depends. Will you keep throwing money at us?**

 _ **Now, hold on! Not all women can cook! And they shouldn't be expected to! Don't push your patriarchal agenda on us! Ugh, this is the 21st century, start thinking like it! Women shouldn't be treated as sex objects!**_

 **Well, this unit is from the second century, a time where women were like objects with boobs. It just so happens that we treat her like a human being up until the packaging. If it makes you feel better, we stuff men the same way we stuff women into the boxes. We stuff units into boxes indiscriminately.**

 **COPYRIGHT 2016**


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